To know or not to know.

(My two younger brothers)

     One thing to know about this blog is that it may wander a bit from one place to another. For those of you who know me, that is no big surprise. And my thoughts and feelings about this journey are no different. It might wander down side trails from time to time, just like I think raising a child will. Anyway, one thing I have noticed in this process of becoming a father and with Jen being pregnant, is that most people ask within the first couple of minutes of talking if we know if it will be a girl or a boy. I get it. People seek information. It can give them a point of reference, and an opportunity to share their stories about their family and their boy or girl or transgender child or children. And I think it puts a frame on this experience for people. It makes it tidy.

     Jen and I had not really talked much about the gender of our baby. We simply wanted it healthy. We went back and forth using he, she, it, or sprout. Jen has two sisters-one older and one younger. I have two younger half brothers and a step brother. And I was an only child until 18. I have 1 uncle, two male cousins and 1 female 2nd cousin. Not that any of that is important. Again, I warned you that side trails might be taken. 

     Jen is what is called AMA-Advanced Maternal Age, and because of that and the miscarriage last year, we had extra tests done. One of those early blood tests for chromosomal data would be able to pull the baby's DNA out of Jen's blood and thus we could know the gender by week 13 or 14. And so they asked us if we would want to know. I had some mixed feelings. There was a part of me that loves surprises, and the other part wanted to know so I could mentally play with that knowledge in my thoughts and dreams. Jen wanted to know. We told them we would like to know and if they could please put the test results in an envelope so we could open it when we were ready. 

     The next day we stopped by the doctor's office and got the envelope. We took it and went out to lunch at one of our favorite places-Huckleberries. We ordered and then placed the envelope on the table. After a few minutes of awkward small talk, we agreed to open it. I opened the envelope and read the test results. All good for genetic issues based on the blood test, and......it showed that we were 99% sure to be having a little baby boy. It was silent for about 15 seconds at our table with slight but awkward smiles. I had a rush of emotions in a very short period of time. I could see on Jen's face that she might be having similar thoughts and emotions. I spoke first. I had been internally wanting a girl. I am not 100% sure why. But I was. I felt a door slowly close.

     I had thought about what it would be like to have either one, or maybe even twins-with one of each. Jen had a phantom twin early on in the pregnancy. That was a little terrifying to be honest. The thought of two. And in my mind I also had wanted a girl to add some feminine energy to the Moriarty side of things. I have always had easy relationships with women, even from a young age, and thought that might transfer into a relationship with a daughter. And I had notions of being the man that no boyfriend could live up too. Funny what our brains do with spare time.
      Jen admitted that she also was hoping for a girl. Mostly because she grew up with two sisters, and just felt she knew more about raising girls. I also had, and still have a lot of feelings about raising a boy in general. I had images and thoughts about raising a strong, confident, daughter. I still have the occasional dream where we have a girl in college. And I had, and have, concerns about raising a boy in world that often seems very male dominated at the expense of women the world over. As I write this there is a debate in Congress about fair wages for men and women in the work place in America. It is 2014 for crying out loud. And I also see so much around the raising of young boys that is connected with male superiority and often violence, physical confrontations, and domination. The peaceful ones seem to get killed-John Lennon, Ghandi, Jesus, MLK. And I have spent so much of my life working to develop myself on a different path. But that is for other posts. And I also see a lot of strong male role models around me, but again that is for another post.

     So we are having a boy. And we are excited about it. I have been working with my thoughts and concerns which I will explore here. And Jen is excited too. I seem to notice little boys everywhere. I still have a little tug about once a week when I see some of the little girls who come into the Y to skate or play at our child watch program, and I feel-not sad exactly, maybe wistful is a better term. And I still see that door slowly closing. And I am OK with that.
We are having a boy. And that makes me smile everyday. 

  

My three brothers. Our son will have three really great Uncles.